Matchmaking

Knock-knock

“Come in!” a far too bubbly voice called out from inside Derscha’s office. Kezrin sigh and pushed open the door.

“Hey, boss, ya wanted ta-” She stopped.

The bossgnome’s office was even more bizarre than normal. Rows of paper were lined up along the floor, and Derscha was busy slowly walking between them, a general overlooking her troops. She quickly waved Kezrin inside. “Shut the door, please, and don’t step on any of the papers.”

“R-right. What did ya need me for?”

“Take a look. I need you to help me sort through these.”



Kezrin gingerly stepped toward the closet row of paper, curiously glancing down at the information written on it in Common. A name, brief description, occupational history, references...

“Are… are we hirin’? Since when do we have this many applicants?” The urge to run far, far away grew. “Ya didn’t call me here ta interview all of these people, didja? ‘Sides, I thought I only handled Horde side-”

“No, no, no, not hiring.” Derscha shook her head empathically. “Not the sort of thing I’d actually want to pay someone for. Would attract the wrong sorts, you understand.”

“Err, not really.”

The gnome smiled sweetly, keenly watching Kezrin’s reaction. “I’m looking for a date.”

“You’re what?” the exclamation escaped even before Kezrin’s brain could process the ramifications.

The bossgnome, dating? There had been rumors that Derscha was too busy being married to her job to ever date. But perhaps that would explain the papers and recruitment forms… it would be a very gnomish way to go about finding romance… but why ask for Kezrin’s help, of all people? It would make more sense to ask for Arrayah, and she was sure Braedori would jump at the chance to set up the CEO.

And weren’t most of the names human? Not that cross-species romance was necessarily bad, of course... That was… Not that Kezrin herself had ever considered...

Almost to her relief, a fit of gnomish giggles broke Kezrin free from her dismayed train of thought.

“Oh, no, not for me!” Derscha laughed. “Oh, no. I’ve been asked by one of our clients to help put him in contact with someone Alliance side who might be interested in a relationship. I thought, if we help people find contacts for research and trade, why not romance? Just a different sort of pen pal request, so to speak.”

“This is crazy, ya know.”

“Not that crazy, not when I’ve got you to help. You know him better than I do, after all.”

“Wait… know who?”

“Irilin Duskwhisper.”

“IRILIN?” This time the exclamation came out more as a high-pitched squeak.

She thought back to the last time she’d ‘spoken’ with Irilin, suddenly remembering his questions about matchmaking services. He had seemed particularly lonely lately, especially after TAE had announced his engagement.

Moradinel…! But it was none of his business what Irilin did anymore, right?

“Err… bossgnome,” Kezrin asked quickly. “Ya haven’t told anyone ‘bout this, have ya?”

“Of course not.” Derscha shook her head, distractedly walking down a new row of papers. “Client confidentiality, after all. So, tell me, do you think Mr. Duskwhisper would care much about physical appearances? Perhaps give preference to blondes or something like that? Or should I just worry about personality?”

“I… I…” Kezrin closed her eyes and took a deep breath, struggling to regain composure. “Let’s, uh, avoid redheads.”

“Hhm-mmm. So noted.” She turned over one of the stacks face-down, then moved on to the next one, picking it up. “How about this fellow? Currently a sell sword, travels a lot. Not allowed in most Alliance lands, but that shouldn’t really be that much of a problem, considering.”

“Wait… why ain’t he allowed?” Kezrin curiously took the paper, scanning over it. “Wait, ya mean he’s a criminal? Are ya nuts? And he’s old!”

“Still rather young compared to an elf,” Derscha replied reasonably. “Younger than I am, even.”

“But humans don’t live as long as elves! Or gnomes!” She glared at Derscha. “Ya can't just- that is - the number of years isn't the point!”

“All right then, someone younger. How about him?”

Kezrin looked at the next candidate. “Does this one actually say he’s illiterate? How will they talk?”

“Hire the AAMS, of course. Could always send you along for the first few dates."

“DERSCHA!”

Derscha beamed at her. “No redheads, no sexagenarians, literacy is a must. We’re narrowing this down a little. Anything else? How tall, do you think?”

“How am I supposed ta know! Stop askin’ me!”

The gnome blinked at her. “Well, how else am I going to sort these, if you won’t look through them yourself? Oh, do you think he’d be interested in talking to an itinerant chef?”

“Well… that doesn’t sound too bad.” Kezrin cautiously looked at the chef’s paper. “Doesn’t stay in one place that long, does he? In high demand?”

“No, his cooking is rather terrible. He was looking for a new job when I spoke with him.”

Kezrin sighed and crumpled the paper up. “Let’s add ‘Has a job’ to that list.”

They continued to play “what’s wrong with this guy” a bit longer until Kezrin finally gave up and agreed to go through all the papers herself. She started perusing through the first few possibilities; she didn’t want to contemplate how Derscha somehow managed to get so much information on what was apparently Azeroth’s worst dating pool. The only thing they had in common seemed to be a glaringly obvious reason why they were still single.

Derscha cheerfully donned her white hat, leaving Kezrin alone in the office to work in peace.

“But don’t take too long looking over those, yes?” Derscha cautioned as she shut the door. “I’ll need to contact Mr. Duskwhisper soon to pass on your selections.”

The precise phrasing was not lost on her.

“Hey! I’m not taking responsibility for these… so-called eligible bachelors!”

“Then find some better!” came the muffled reply, followed by a rapidly fading giggle.

Oh, she hated the bossgnome sometimes.